On the verge

For the past two days I’ve been on the verge of tears. I’ve tried to stay busy or keep my mind occupied but every movement lets me know that things are not ok.

I spent the late spring, summer and early fall eliminating edible nightshades from my diet in the hopes that it would ease pain and eliminate hidradenitis. Tomatoes…during the summer…gone! Was I insane? I’m not sure but I was certainly desperate. Potatoes were a bit easier as we substituted cauliflower and found it to be a reasonable substitute at that. Of course I later learned that one of the properties in nightshades that causes so many problems is also found in high amounts in cauliflower though cauliflower isn’t a nightshade. beats head against wall

The results of abstaining from nightshades? Nothing noticeable as far as aches and pains went. Hidradenitis? Well, I went from flare ups consisting of 25-30 abscesses average size of a grape with at least 3 at any given time the size of a walnut and frequent cellulitis. I also had to drain one abscess that reached tennis ball size. This went down to constant abscesses of about 10-20 the sizes of peas to grapes but none that were extremely large and no cellulitis.

I read that and feel like I should have been thrilled with those results…especially considering that I had a few fries and a slice of tomato over the weekend and now have a flare of a few quite large abscesses along with my “usuals”. I’m just not though.

I’ve given up so much over the last twenty years due to illness with very little in benefit. I’m just spent and have very little to offer anyone at this point…including myself.

I wish I haas something more positive to say other than hang in there and a virtual hug <3 I feel hopeless a lot too. But there’s always a reason to keep going. You’re not alone in your struggles. Our diseases may be different but the feelings are the same.

Thank you, Jen.